Breaking The Bonds of Traumatized Silence

I had chosen to be mute. Not because I was shy, nor an introvert but due to the fear of revealing this act of shame, that shattered my heart into a thousand pieces. I am hurt, and just trying to fix the cracks in my soul. I am tired of being reserved, holding on to pockets of anger, hatred, agony, and pain. I am still haunted by this horrific act of inhumanity. Some people might take it lightly, normal, and as little, but sometimes it is the little things that sting the most. Depression entangled me, weaved in together with character assassination, self-destruction, diminished self-esteem, a spoilt reputation, and the worst of all, shame. I am not the only lady that has ever encountered sexual harassment. There are many voiceless females both young and old that are victimized daily but are weak, and ashamed to expose the difficult and complex realities that they faced.

Growing up as a girl in my family was not easy. My parents were strict yet they failed in guiding us in the ways a lady ought to be brought up. We figured it all out on our own. I just appreciated them for keeping us in school. I got exposed to different environments, cultures, and behaviors. I was one of those girls that were too attached to their academic life and spared little or no time for a social one. My friends labeled me as a dumb and outdated “daughter of Eve’’. I could care less about it because I was striving hard to achieve my goals and maintain my dignity. I was afraid of indulging in immoral behavior that would lead me astray. I never gave room for the “other gender’’ to destroy my womanhood. I always thought of myself as a lady of integrity, ambition, and success. I sat for Secondary National Exams and passed highly.

During my vacation, I engrossed myself in community and domestic work until a hell-sent demon came and interrupted my busy lifestyle. From the first day I met him, this son of Adam, he looked like a responsible, godly, caring, and loving man but he was the opposite of all those qualities. He had ugly intentions and bad motives towards me and I didn’t realize. His monstrous plan almost succeeded if God didn’t pity His innocent daughter who knew nothing of such acts. I was just trying to experience what it felt like to fall in love for the first time. We had only been in a relationship for a week but there we were in a room at the lodge trying to convince each other whether or not to accept illicit sex.

It was a Saturday afternoon. Just after attending a youth meeting, I received a call from him wanting to link up and I accepted. I took a boda (motorbike) and headed to where he was in Hai Thoura. When I reached, he picked me up and went towards the residential quarters leaving all cafeterias and restaurants behind us. I was quiet as we got into a hotel-like building. I saw one of the workers handing him a key and I was so stupid to miss the warning sound. My instincts betrayed me at that very moment and I followed him into the room, not because I trusted him but he looked decent enough to not act in a savage way. No sooner had we gotten in than he had locked the door. When I asked him, he told me to be calm and that he intended to do me no harm. He got closer to me and began caressing and kissing me. I got shocked, numbed and my mind went a blur. I don’t remember what took place. When I got back to my senses, I felt his hands on my bosom trying to undress me so that he could plug himself into me. I had to convince him not to do anything more than he had already done to me. The thoughts of getting pregnant, suffering as a jobless single mum, and being a disgrace in my fathers’ compound struck my mind. But he never wanted to let go. I was afraid that he may rape me. I am weak, I cannot fight him. I had to pretend to fall sick to scare him to let me go. When I got out of that place, I ran home fast without looking back and never picked up another of his calls.  From that very day, I hated every person that bore a resemblance to him; be it a name, accent, or dressing code. Men, how do you dare project your inner demons into a person you claim to love? How would you feel if this same scenario happened to your mother, sister, wife, or daughters?

The incident didn’t end there. I got frustrated and trapped myself into another relationship even though I wasn’t happy in it. Whenever I felt like giving up, my partner would threaten me in the name of my previous relationship. I was afraid he would expose what happened to me since he knew about it. He was a liar and a cheater. During that time I came to understand the meaning of physical pain and emotional torture. I came to realize that fear has a strong power that prevents you from doing great things.

Sexual assault is not all about sex, but what somebody does to you to take away your power. 75% of sexual harassment incidents are never reported because when women come forward they are called liars, demoted, black listed, and fired. These incidents almost became part of my life. Everywhere I went I found men with the same behavior and I wondered if the universe had set it out for me to experience events that sucked the life out of my self-confidence. Ironically, I was fired from a job because I reported my senior staff to my workmates for groping me whenever I was left alone with him in the office. I was the only female worker and they took advantage of that. Silly me, I feared to stand up for myself. All I did was remain silent and shrink.

I got tired of having flashbacks and unpleasant memories of these events. I felt the world is no good. All I wanted was a safe, welcoming, free of sexual harassment environment. Assaults make you blame yourself for what happened to you and not trust yourself anymore. You question your judgment, self-worth, and sanity. Relations feel dangerous, intimacy impossible and you label yourself as damaged goods. I really hate this guilty conscience. I guess if I would be on the judiciary arm, I would ensure such men face justice.

I call upon my fellow women and also men to fight this act of inhumanity. Let’s stop being bystanders, enablers, and allies of the perpetrators. We need to make laws and take preventive measures against sexual assaults. Bystanders and witnesses should come forward. If you see something, say it. Imagine how impactful it would be if we confront the perpetrators to their faces and help and protect the victims.

Let’s be bold, stand tall, and build self-confidence to tell the world what happened to us. I know it’s scary. Let’s do it for our sisters and the next generation. As I write this story, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was silent in the beginning but not anymore.

Author: Brenda Johnson Sebit